Look How Far We’ve Come….
I took back roads home tonight. A beautiful night, the sky deep and dark, the air cool and still… music playing. Gungor’s ‘Beautiful Things’ came on… the windows were down… and I have this habit of singing really, kind of, sort of… loud. ‘You make beautiful things, You make beautiful out of us…” and my mind went to how far God has brought me in the last year.
There’s so much… maybe not much compared to some things, but He has accomplished so many small (and large) things in my life… He is always faithful. Answering prayers that never really got prayed for, and, in some cases, NOT answering some of the prayers that were prayed (or, choosing to answer me in a different way than I saw fit)
I could list so many little victories in my life, my heart… growth spiritually and mentally, ways He’s stretched me and blessed me, but one of the true realizations came to me when I met with an amazing couple the other night to discuss their upcoming wedding. (Shout out to Kelly & Jameson!! I’m so excited to for your wedding!) They said some really sweet and encouraging things, things I truly was blessed to hear… and it just plain encouraged me.
Don’t get me wrong. Seeing all this growth is making it painfully obvious how far I still have to go. God has been revealing so much to me, the state of my heart, the reasoning behind my prayers (does anyone else ever try ‘reverse physcology’ on God?! Because I’ve had to check my words sometimes… EMILY!!! SERIOUSLY?! Did you just try and trick the Creator of the Universe with your silly mind games?!!?!) There are some aspects that come easier. I’ve always had a heart for the musical side of worship… but I’ve always struggled with prayer. I’ve definitely noticed my prayer life has grown- but I also realize how little I truly comprehend on the true heart of prayer, and praying for others.
And I stink at reading my Bible on a regular basis. Lets just put that out there. I’ve shared before how, for a little while, it’ll be amazing, I’ll be reading regularly, getting so much out of it, my attitude will be better, my thoughts and prayers more aligned with how I believe Christ would want them… but then, I’ll just hit a brick wall.. its so incredibly frustrating. I’ve come to realize I’m a small dose studier. (For now at least- God can work miracles, so, He’s free to make me a major Bible scholar anytime He chooses…) I’ve taken to writing verses on cards and scraps of paper… my bathroom is plastered with them, they’re in my car, by my sink, on my microwave. I jot down verses that speak to my heart in the front of my journal…
I’m starting out small and seeing where God takes me… as with most things in life… but I just wanted Him, (and you all) to know how incredibly thankful I am. I know I don’t have to write it here for Him to know, but it feels like something I should shout from the rooftops all day long… I’m not really one for shouting, so, I’ll do it in my own quiet way…
**Heads Up**
Hey Ya’ll-
Pretty Brunch Photos
Just a few pretty photos I took on the point and shoot from an impromptu brunch this past weekend…
Happy Birthday
…to my big brother…
Through life you have been my tormentor, my playmate (as long as we were playing outside, with guns or Lego’s…and occasionally dress-up) my ride everywhere when we were in jr. high/high school, my concert date/buddy when I was in college, and now, my go to for questions, about God, life, money, business, music, and guys.
You’re always an example, of steadfastness, patience, and godliness… and even when I act like you embarrass me- always know that I am completely and utterly proud of, and thankful for you.
Love you big brother!
Finally- some photos.
So- I haven’t been keeping up with the photo aspect of this blog lately- sorry. I’m able to do some writing at work occasionally- so I can think out posts that consist of words- not so much with the photos. I’m also way behind on my photography e-mail, so if you are waiting on a reply from me, expect one this weekend if all goes as planned! With vacation, a new work schedule and it being summer, I’ve been swept up in a crazy whirlwind of activity and business!
Here’s a few photos from my vacation to Massachussets…
The beach. I fell in love with the New England beaches. The West Coast was beautiful- but there was something about the East Coast that captured my heart.
My beautiful sist-in-law and I on our Duck Tour
All of us at the beach in Maine
…yes. I’m wearing a scarf at the beach. And, no, I didn’t get a sunburn on this vacation! Thankyouverymuch. Just label me eccentric- you know you already have been.
Stories
Two lovely ladies and I took a road trip last week to see yet another lovely lady. Along the way, we had a 14ish hour drive and we listened to six out of the seven Chronicles of Narnia books. Listening to them I was struck by the amazing lessons in them. I mean, of course, they’re brilliant. C.S. Lewis was an amazing writer and man- and yes, being raised as a Christian, you learn the parallels of ‘The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe’ & the salvation story almost from infancy- but we found ourselves pausing the cds and discussing what had just been said, quotes or little amazing bits of wisdom… three adult women listening to, and being amazed by, ‘children’ stories. I love children’s literature.
The line that stood out the most was spoken several times in ‘The Horse and His Boy’ (which is one of my favorite of the stories- I tend to like the lesser known ones) Shasta is questioning Aslan on as to why he clawed Aravis:
“Child,”said the Voice, “I am telling you your story, not hers. I tell no-one any story but his own.”
He then later repeats a very similar line when Aravis questions him about what happened to the servant girl she drugged and left to be punished.
And…I just had this moment of revelation.
How often do I question God about the lives of others? As a curious human being, I desire to know a story that truly is none of my business. I am not to know why God allows some people to have things that I don’t- I am not permitted to know why a person did or didn’t act a certain way towards me…. I am only to know the story He has for ME. The rest is between that person and God. It is not for my ears. Not for my eyes. Just as my story is for only me. When I find myself drifting into the land of ‘if only’… this applies. That story is over and done with. It did not occur- therefore it is not for me to know.
As in Deuteronomy:
The Lord our God has secrets known to no one. We are not accountable for them, but we and our children are accountable forever for all that he has revealed to us, so that we may obey all the terms of these instructions.
Let me collect my thoughts….part II
Maybe if I had collected my thoughts for a longer period of time I would have compiled them better…(this is where I’d insert a winky-face of some sort if I was prone to using emoticons, which I’m not)
Regardless- thank you all so much for the dialogue both on the blog and on facebook. I appreciate everything, especially the words from my married friends. This is what I enjoy about blogging- the interaction, when it happens, as it is both encouraging and often enlightening.
Funny how that one little blurb/tangent was the thing that stuck out most- it definitely wasn’t supposed to be my main point or ‘thesis’, but I don’t mind.
My friend Sofia summed it up rather nicely when she asked me for clarification:
“Could it be that what you are expressing is that as a fallen creature we have taken this desire and perverted it? That we have turned it into being all about self-gratification and not about being a living reflection of God? And that our now often fallen perceptions often fuel those self-focused prayers for a spouse?”
Yes! Thank you- when my words failed me, she was there to put it how I meant for it to read. My main point being (in that little blurb) that how when I am praying about the future/marriage and whatever else that entails, my root desires are often (not always, but often) selfish. Searching for human validation, or the thought deep down that somehow getting married will solve all my problems- ridiculous and selfish. NOT that the act of marriage is somehow wrong/selfish- I myself desire to get married someday and believe that if it happens- it will be a God-given gift.
That part of my post was fueled by something Jason spoke at the gathering Saturday night. I perceived him to have said (he might very well have meant differently) that praying for a spouse because you were ‘lonely’ was wrong- and I felt (key word here, felt- like I said, this is what I was gathering) that he was saying NOT to pray it because of that- which I did not agree with.
Me and my friends were discussing how maybe that it is technically ’selfish’- but its a feeling that remains regardless and God knows my heart- and my NOT asking/praying about it isn’t the correct response. I can only hope and pray that God will turn this weak desire into something pleasing to Him.
A dear family friend sent me this quote which I think speaks volumes on the subject I was trying to address:
“We often bear the cross in weakness, at other times in strength; all should be alike to us in the will of God.” - Madame Guyon
My brother also advised wisely (as he often does) when he offered:
“One of the key lessons in all of this is love. Love for another individual. Love for God. Love that is selfless… So instead of praying for a spouse, maybe the lesson is that God would teach you to learn to love selflessly in preparation to live a selfless life of love towards another person…”
I honestly hadn’t meant for this post to turn into a direct post about marriage and singleness- but I’m sort of glad it went that way- I am always eager to receive the advise of those around me, I am always humbled by the wisdom God provides through friends and family. Thank you all- this actually is quite timely with some different thoughts I’ve been praying about and dealing with. Please keep the dialogue running if you see fit!
Let me collect my thoughts…
“…Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure…” -James 4:2-3
Apex is going through the book of James this summer… its a book of the Bible where I feel like I should just highlight/underline every verse written…but this verse in particular stuck out to me during the gathering last night. And the words Jason spoke to accompany it… just the thought that most of time? What I pray? Entirely selfish. Me. Me. Me, and…me some more. God I want this, God I need that, God help ME…me, me, me, I, I, I…
It says right there, that I do not have because I ask with wrong intentions. And I admit that. But as a human being, I don’t think I’ll ever achieve having entirely pure intentions. I don’t know if I believe that that is possible. Is it possible to pray for someone to share life with without having ANY selfish undercurrent? Can I really pray for a new job without allowing a few self-seeking desires in?
I believe that I can try to have pure intentions. And I can pray that God will grant me pure intentions, but, I’m not sure I’ll ever reach a point of praying only unselfish prayers. And I think God knows that. I mean, if my desires were completely pure 100% of the time, I would have everything I wanted, and all of that would be in line with the will of God, no? And I don’t believe that’s attainable here on earth.
I believe the desire to be that way is attainable, I believe that I should strive for that goal, but God knows my heart. And I know I am a selfish being. I’m not going to stop praying for things I desire- I do pray that God would change my heart though, if its not what He desires. I pray on a daily basis that He would keep my heart and my thoughts pure.
I brought this up to a couple girlfriends after the gathering… “Is it even possible to pray for a spouse, or legitimately GET married, without ANY selfish intentions?” Now, I’m not married, so I can’t answer this as so, but we came to the decision that it seemed pretty impossible. Being lonely, or wanting someone to share life with is a selfish and broken desire. Unless you just see yourself as a HUGE blessing and an amazing and wonderful bonus to the person you are marrying…. and you are marrying them to benefit them….um…yeah, not really.
But again, we came to the conclusion that we feel these things. And, yes, technically, they are wrong. They are selfish. But we are a fallen people and we will always desire what we don’t have, be that what it may- God knows this. God doesn’t withhold happiness and blessings because of our ill intentions- thank goodness. But when I sit here and pray frustrated prayers out of selfishness, its a blunt reminder to hear: “Hey, maybe if you desired ME above all else, and fixed your eyes on my will, not only would these ‘wants’ seem small and insignificant, but I will fulfill those longings and desires in the way that I see fit.”
Elisabeth Elliot says in her book ‘Quest for Love: True Stories of Passion and Purity”:
“…He always answers the cry of the man or the woman who wills (against all wanting) to do His will…”
All my longings lie open before you, O Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.
My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
even as the light has gone from my eyes…
I wait for you, O Lord;
you will answer me, O Lord my God.
-Psalm 38:9-10, 15
**added later**
I guess I should clarify (after a few comments I got on FB) I didn’t mean the desire to get married is evil/wrong, I do not believe that at all- just that the stem of it comes from being a broken human being with selfish desires. If I were a perfect human being, I would desire God and He would be enough- yet God knew that it would not be so- He said it was not good for man to be alone- so, even though I’m an imperfect human being- He provides.
That conversation with my friends was more stemmed from what Jason had directly addressed in the message @ apex- how praying for a spouse because you are ‘lonely’ is a selfish prayer…. and I was sort of refuting that its one of those “okay” selfish prayers- because lets be honest, most of us are going to pray that at one point or another…..
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
Psalm 61:2
Today has been rough mentally/emotionally. That time to reflect and pray I was talking about the other day? I need to make some time for that tomorrow.(and everyday, but tomorrow specifically) Pray that I am wise and do that.
Thank You.
I’ve been meaning to write a thank you to everyone who reads my blog. I am humbled and elated(I can be both at once, right?) whenever I realize I have regular readers.
Your comments, (and ‘likes’ on Facebook) constantly make my day. I am honored and completely flattered by the range of people who take the time to read my thoughts and glance through my photos. Those of you whom I know personally, those I know from online interactions, and, those of you who are more of the ‘anynomous’ variety- you are all deeply appreciated.
I’ve had everything from multiple people teasing me about listening to Taylor Swift to friends who ask me how I am doing after reading a post where I admitted to feeling discouraged that day… the degrees of friendship I’ve found through blogging is sort amazing.
You are always encouraging, always welcome, and always appreciated. Somehow, in a world of millions, where there is rarely ever true silence or solitude- it is still easy to feel very alone and insignificant at times… and so I thank you for making me feel as though maybe, possibly, occasionally, I am writing something worth reading.
Quiet.
There’s nothing quite as still and quiet as the morning after a night full of friends, conversation and laughter. Its not always a negative thing- but I think a lot of times I cram my life full of activity and action in an attempt to shut out some of the quieter moments.
Quiet moments can be downright scary.They’re there staring you right in the face.
Hello thoughts. Hello God. Hello-facing-reality.
If I keep my life busy- my schedule fully packed- I don’t have time to think and over analyze things. But I also don’t have time to reflect, time to pray, time to just ‘be still’.
And then life sort of falls apart. Maybe not if you’re outside looking in, because as a human being, I have almost perfected the defense and front of looking fine on the outside- but, please, don’t be fooled. My life is not perfect- I do not have it all together. A lot of days, I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water.
And in my idiocy- I allow myself to keep up this way till something comes along and pierces me directly in the heart- then I truly fall apart, and, as always, find myself finally running back to God. Back to His comforting solitude. Back to His grace and forgiveness.
I know I have to face the hard parts to enjoy the good. You can’t have the sweet without the bitter. The happy times wouldn’t be quite so joyous if I hadn’t suffered through the hard times. I can’t choose one but not the other. I’m even gifted happiness during times where I don’t particularly desire it.
So, I’ll try not to be afraid.
Hello quiet home. Still morning. Downcast heart.
Let me greet the day with joy.
You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!
Psalm 30:11-12
The Wee Hours of the Morning
Why do we[I] pick the ONE thing in our[my] life that isn’t going as we[I] would wish and dwell on it….?
That thought that has been bubbling in my mind all week. I could go on and on about how blessed I am, with so many things. God is growing and gifting me with so much- but yet, there is always a constant nagging that the ‘one thing’ (it varies depending on where I am in life) I want- and if I’m being honest- I think I DESERVE- has not been given to me.
And it brings everything else down.
Down.
Down.
Never fully happy. Never fully content. I could be surrounded by those I love, interacting, laughing and full of life- participating in something I adore- and I am, in the back of my mind asking God why He is withholding from me.
Seriously Emily? Seriously!?
(yes- I’ve taken this post hostage to reprimand myself)
Its funny how life can be so very full- so very vibrant and alive…. and I am able to harbor discouragement and hopelessness. Those things just don’t mix.
It all just makes me so very aware of the fact that I am broken and in need of a Savior…even when life is at its best- it is still lacking. I am always lacking- not of material or true physical need- but in my heart and mind.
How very tiresome it would be to be God. Its beyond hard to comprehend that He could continue to love and care for me-even pursue me- when I persist in being ungrateful, inattentive and persist in asking for the same thing, over, and over and over again. Any human being would be done with me. I would be done with me.
“Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4)
I tend to focus on the ‘He will give you the desires of your heart” part more than the important first part- “delight yourself in the Lord”… I, as always, need to change my perspective and objective.
Recap: the FOURTH of July
The morning was spent at Apex playing for both gatherings, the evening included a cookout and swimming at my parents- then Yellowsprings for fireworks….um, and this time? We had an ABUNDANCE of sparklers!
my mom made a ‘Patriotic Pudding’- and she proceeded to call it that the whole night
it was a group of old friends and new friends….
and Joe.
we had to flag down a few more of our friends…. this did the trick
K for Kari
…infinity….
K for Kim
cuties
I believe that I was threatened with blackmail if I posted this photo online…..but I had to show proof that he really hung out with us
Joe and his jorts…..
Recap: The 3rd of July
I spent the 3rd of July down at Riverscape with my new house church family (they’re an amazing bunch! I’ve been blessed these past few weeks with all the new friendships I’ve formed) and we celebrated with sparklers and the downtown fireworks….
Its too bad I only brought one box of sparklers- we ran out way too fast….but we had fun while they lasted!
These girls are amazing…and of course- beautiful. Obvi.
thanks to whichever lady shot this of me and my sister- check out how pale I am! I’ve even been in the sun, and only I’ve only used SPF 15 so far this year (as opposed to the usual 30+ I’m accustomed too!)
I like to take photos of the fireworks out of focus on purpose.
Thru the Years…
Photos from top to bottom, left to right: 1. My sister and me acting like we’re super cool on the sidewalk of the drugstore, maybe 7 or 8 years ago? 2. A group of us on our way to see a band play at the State theater in downtown Springfield 3. Me right after I chopped off all my own hair in… 2003? 2004? 4. My sisters and I on our way to Greenville, Illinois to visit our friend Dustin at his college 5. Me and my beautiful friend Danielle at a TLW dinner our youth group hosted 6. Playing in puddles and taking photos with my sister- right after we got our first point and shoot cameras 7. We took photos at my brothers house for a Father’s Day gift for my dad one year 8. Me and my friend Amber at a Lovedrug show at MadHatter (good show, front row!) 9. Me and the sisters on the beach in Florida when we drove down to hang with Dustin and his family
Its strange to go back thru the years… looking at photos, reading old journals- remembering past memories… I can remember the moments that went with all these photos… just like a song can trigger a memory, or how when I read a paragraph in an old journal, riddled with angst and heartbreak, or giddy teenager-ness, I’m instantly transported back.
I’ve changed so much over the years… and, then again, not so much. My sisters still claim the best friend roles in my life…. I’m still generally quiet… I still wear huge sunglasses (they’re actually getting BIGGER if you can believe it) but so much has changed. I’ve seen God’s hand in my life so much over the past year. Its been amazing.
1. The day I played with the Apex band for the first time at Cedarville U(I remember the days and times that go with these outfit posts… its sort of weird) 2. My 21st birthday- spent at the Cheesecake factory with a great bunch of girls 3. An outfit worn to school at SCC 4. Attempting to be cool in a self portrait- check out the black hair and solemn look- BAND PHOTO!! 5. An outfit shot taken during my 1 and only photography class. That’s a legit 35mm around my neck. How I loved that class 6. I chopped my bangs off good. 7. Self portrait after shooting my first EVER wedding!! (Joel & Kari’s!) 8. Bringing home my FIT- the pretty little Darcy who has accompanied me on so many journeys thus far 9. Spending New years of 2008/2009 alone at my parents with my sister
Its just sort of weird, and sort of comforting to look back and see all that I’ve trekked through. To see myself transform from a self-professed ‘hermit’ to the crazy life I have currently… to see the friends that have come and gone, and more importantly, the ones who have stayed and grown with me. The journeys I’ve taken, international missions to cross country road trips, from a church where I spent my teenage years, to the family I have now at Apex…
1. Playing around with external flash on my camera 2. Road trip with my sister 3. Getting ready to shoot a wedding at my first apartment 4. Portraits my beautiful friend Kim shot of me 5. Old school- in Guatemala 6. Summer camp forever ago 7. Red hair this past year 8. A happy weekend this year 9. A self portrait in my current apartment
From the shy and completely awkward teenager I was- always second guessing myself and feeling like the odd-one-out, to a woman who is learning to be open and trusting and confident in who God has made her to be… life is kind of crazy… and while there are many things I would say I wish I could change about myself, who I am, where I am… I’m learning to be content with where God has me…. right here, right now.
Wedding Preview: Michelle&Justin & I got to ATTEND a wedding too….
On Saturday morning I had the pleasure of photographing a beautiful wedding out in the country. A beautiful couple with adorable smiles, Michelle and Justin were a great couple to photograph. Michelle’s dress was GORGEOUS and Justin wore Chucks & I was happy.
One of my favorite moments was when one of the grandparents wanted a photo with them and saw Justin’s sneakers and asked if they should just take a photo from the waist up, then, realized he was wearing them for the ceremony! Great. I love grandparents.
More to come of course…
…and Sunday evening I had the joy of attending a wedding where I didn’t have to lug a heavy camera and lens bag around. I wore heels, a fancy dress, and got to sit during the ceremony…. although, come to think of it, I ended up taking a LOT of photos…but, I mean, they were with disposable cameras, so, it doesn’t really count, right? My table at the reception sort of borrowed a lot of the cameras (in our defense, the other guests just weren’t putting them to use!) and did a few impromptu photoshoots with them. Allison & Andres… you will have LOTS of memories…of our particular table.
But seriously, Allison’s dress was, again, GORGEOUS… it was a weekend of beautiful dresses. They were adorable during the ceremony, giggling and so happy.
And when the photographers came around to all the tables to photograph couples, I posed with my purse- I mean, since I didn’t have a date….that’s how I roll.
Heels! (um…and the bottom of my feet are totally bruised today. I don’t think I’m cut out for fancy shoes?)
Andres’ face when Allison came down the aisle. Priceless. Its one of my most favorite moments of wedding ceremonies- watching the groom.
Sunset….
Sisters! (Kari went with me to the photobooth so I wouldn’t have to take photos by myself- that’s a true friend)
What then ensued can only be labeled ’silliness’ and ‘fun-with-as-many-disposable-cameras-as-we-could-get-our-hands-on’… I snapped a few with my digital camera so I would have the memories as well….
Pretty, pretty Allison following the bouquet toss- she looks like a movie star…gorgeous!
On Being an Adult
It feels like once you’re an adult, and are subject to all the:
“Are you married?”
“Do you have kids?”
“Where are you working now?”
…it feels like fair thing would be that you get to trade in other things… such as, breaking out, or cutting yourself shaving. I mean, I have to pay the bills, get to bed on time and find where on earth everything is in the grocery store… why can’t I be beyond cutting myself while shaving?!
Obviously, I sliced myself good tonight. Right on the knee. So… I look like a 12 year old. I already have mosquito bites on my legs… now I’ll have a scab as well.
Being grown up is awesome….
BFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFs……
I love the fact that my sisters think I’m hilarious. (and, I mean, I am, right? They don’t just ‘think’ so)
I hope that they know they can always come to me with anything and I will always love them.
I love that we can all three hang out in sweatpants and ratty hoodies, but we also all love to wear our fancy sunnies and earrings and frilly clothes from Forever21. Either way, its good.
I love that even though we’ve put each other through a lot of different crap- we’re still close, and hopefully always will be.
When they’re hurting, it breaks my heart and I want to be the big sister and fix everything, even though I have no clue where to start.
When I don’t see them for more than a week at a time, it feels like something is missing.
I love how we can finish each others sentences, or how we’ll say the exact same thing at the exact same moment.
I love the fact that I have built in best friends. Always.
I hope I’m everything I need to be in an older sister. I wish I prayed for them more, I wish I had more experience in a lot of situations so I could give them sage advice. I hope I don’t come off bossy and know-it-all. I hope I’m a good example.
I love you two. A whole lot.
Innocence
Job 11-
“If only you would prepare your heart
and lift up your hands to him in prayer!
Get rid of your sins,
and leave all iniquity behind you.
Then your face will brighten with innocence.
You will be strong and free of fear.
You will forget your misery;
it will be like water flowing away.
Your life will be brighter than the noonday.
Even darkness will be as bright as morning.
Having hope will give you courage.
You will be protected and will rest in safety.
You will lie down unafraid,
and many will look to you for help.
The Heart
More than anything… God is teaching me what it means to be content in Him. I am the eternally awful student, lacking in self-discipline and failing miserably on a daily basis- but He’s working on my heart.
Its a hard lesson to learn, one that I know will never be fully achieved until I draw my last breath and am with Him for eternity… but to even have a glimpse of contement here on earth, in my life…
Not because I have ’stuff’, not because I have ‘achieved the dream’, but to know and cherish Christ dearly and to have that outpoor on everyone I am in contact with…. and to be happy. To be full of joy, to hold strong in the hard times, and be grateful in the good.
*added later*
I was getting ready for bed last night, after I had posted this, and Psalm 23 popped into my head. Its one of those memory verses my parents drilled into my head from a very young age- a WHOLE chapter… it became just sort of mundane and like a meaningless recitation for so long, but when it popped into my head, and I took the time to read over it in the NLT translation… wow. THIS is why my parents wanted me to learn it. To memorize it. To be able to quote it in my sleep.
The Lord is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.
2 He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
3 He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.
4 Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.
5 You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.
6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord
forever.
Slow Your Breath Down
I’ve had ‘Slow Your Breath Down’ by Future of Forestry stuck in my head all weekend. Its beautiful. (Actually, Travel II is just great in general. Yes… I was twitterstalking again. My friends were talking about it and I was like, wait! I’ve only got the first one, so I had to get number 2)
Its been a full weekend. Anne of Green Gables the Sequel was watched on Friday with the girls, Saturday was work, then the gathering at Apex and a clothing swap with some fun ladies. Today was an impromptu trip to Ikea with a friend and a wedding shower for a girl in my house church. I put together the decorations for it. I love doing this type of thing.
I’m not so good at showers in general- something about them just makes me feel awkward and like I’m missing a some female genes… I found myself holding my friends baby when the games started, which was great, because even though babies make me nervous… I didn’t have to play the first game…. whew. I’m just not good at the whole shower-girl-games ect. thing. I’m so awkward.
Other than that? I’ve done a lot of driving this weekend. Music up loud… thoughts tumbling around inside my head…. and… I’m kind of at an impasse with my feelings right now.
I’m pretty sure I’m…a dork.
I parked my car along the road to my apartments and jumped out with my camera to crouch in the wet grass and snap these photos on my way home from work today. I’m sure everyone who drove by in that moment thought I was a crazy moron…. but I don’t really care… the rain droplets, the gray clouds, the brilliance of the purple clover and the green grass… this is the sort of thing that gets me in the heart. These moments- on a day when I just want to see the sun, to see a break in the clouds, when I’m exhausted and worn out… to be reminded that there is still beauty, that small graces exist…
Guilty Pleasures: Television edition
So…I don’t watch a whole lot of TV. In fact, when I first moved out on my own, I had a TV, but I rarely found the time to watch it. Then they did the whole digital TV thing, and I never really got around to plugging in that box… (I finally DID plug it in this year so I could attempt watching the Oscars- lame.)
TV is such a waste of time… and almost everything on is crap…. but… sadly, since I’m keeping a running dialogue on Facebook right now with my sister and one of her friends about one of those said ‘crap’ TV shows… I present to you…
Emily’s guilty pleasure television list:
#1
The O.C.
Confession? I’m actually watching an episode of the first season at this moment. (I own it- BUT I bought it at a thrift store…so, that’s cool, yeah?) The O.C. is(was) soapy, melodramatic, most times terrible… but so addicting. Plus it was one of the first shows that paid close attention to the music it played and showcased. Death Cab, The Killers, Rachael Yamagata, Modest Mouse, The Thrills, Rooney… all of them were bands that ‘played’ live shows on the show. And I mean… Seth Cohen anyone? The ultimate awkward/nerd/indie boy. Me and both my sisters all had huge crushes on him. The O.C. has been done with for a few years now… and I don’t miss it. It got worse with each season… by the end… it was… well, lets just pretend the fourth season never happened…
#2
America’s Next Top Model
Tyra is CRAZY. There is no doubt about that. The drama and the cat fights are obnoxious… actually, the show drives me crazy. BUT- the photo shoots are fun to watch. I love seeing the styling (hair & make up/fashion) and the concepts. I’ve even been inspired in some of my shoots by concepts on the show… so I watch it. Online. I meet with my quad/LTG on Wednesday nights, so I catch up with ANTM on the internets. That’s what’s horrible. I can’t find the time to catch up on The Office, but I watch this?! What is wrong with me!?
#3
Gossip Girl
This is the one that I was having a running dialogue about on Facebook…. its pure awful. Soap. Melodrama. Cheese. Teenage smuttiness. Its horrid. But its like a train wreck that I have to watch…. and… the clothes are pretty amazing… or, at least they were the first season… but by the time I realized that that had sort of fizzled, I was sucked into it. But this past season was terrible… and I didn’t even feel interested when they “killed” a main character off on the season finale tonight… I think I may be over it.
#4
Project Runway
I own three seasons of this show. Its amazing. Reality TV that doesn’t suck. Actually…this isn’t a guilty pleasure. Its just fun to watch and I have no qualms admitting to this…
Listen
When I write, I’m often hit with little realizations about myself, I stumbled upon one tonight as I was writing a letter:
” …Please, if you can- just listen. Ask me questions and MAKE me answer them, encourage me talk to you. Let me know you really care about hearing me. Because if I feel even once ounce of disinterest, (If your eyes wander/glaze over, if suddenly you remember something that happened to you that sounds sort of like what I’m telling you and proceed to rehash, even though I was in the middle of sharing) I will shut down. I do not easily share my heart- And I will not open my heart to those who won’t treasure it. I have to know, to feel, that you REALLY want me to share. To talk. That you want to HEAR me….”
I am a person who holds many things near to her heart. I lack the ability to share my life and thoughts with most people… but if I know you and you truly ask me something, there’s not much I won’t give an answer to. Its just that people so rarely ASK anymore. We all just walk around with the expectation that words and thoughts will just tumble from each others mouths and we’ve lost the sacredness of sincerely asking and waiting to LISTEN to the response. We’ve forgotten how valuable listening is.