Look How Far We’ve Come….
I took back roads home tonight. A beautiful night, the sky deep and dark, the air cool and still… music playing. Gungor’s ‘Beautiful Things’ came on… the windows were down… and I have this habit of singing really, kind of, sort of… loud. ‘You make beautiful things, You make beautiful out of us…” and my mind went to how far God has brought me in the last year.
There’s so much… maybe not much compared to some things, but He has accomplished so many small (and large) things in my life… He is always faithful. Answering prayers that never really got prayed for, and, in some cases, NOT answering some of the prayers that were prayed (or, choosing to answer me in a different way than I saw fit)
I could list so many little victories in my life, my heart… growth spiritually and mentally, ways He’s stretched me and blessed me, but one of the true realizations came to me when I met with an amazing couple the other night to discuss their upcoming wedding. (Shout out to Kelly & Jameson!! I’m so excited to for your wedding!) They said some really sweet and encouraging things, things I truly was blessed to hear… and it just plain encouraged me.
Don’t get me wrong. Seeing all this growth is making it painfully obvious how far I still have to go. God has been revealing so much to me, the state of my heart, the reasoning behind my prayers (does anyone else ever try ‘reverse physcology’ on God?! Because I’ve had to check my words sometimes… EMILY!!! SERIOUSLY?! Did you just try and trick the Creator of the Universe with your silly mind games?!!?!) There are some aspects that come easier. I’ve always had a heart for the musical side of worship… but I’ve always struggled with prayer. I’ve definitely noticed my prayer life has grown- but I also realize how little I truly comprehend on the true heart of prayer, and praying for others.
And I stink at reading my Bible on a regular basis. Lets just put that out there. I’ve shared before how, for a little while, it’ll be amazing, I’ll be reading regularly, getting so much out of it, my attitude will be better, my thoughts and prayers more aligned with how I believe Christ would want them… but then, I’ll just hit a brick wall.. its so incredibly frustrating. I’ve come to realize I’m a small dose studier. (For now at least- God can work miracles, so, He’s free to make me a major Bible scholar anytime He chooses…) I’ve taken to writing verses on cards and scraps of paper… my bathroom is plastered with them, they’re in my car, by my sink, on my microwave. I jot down verses that speak to my heart in the front of my journal…
I’m starting out small and seeing where God takes me… as with most things in life… but I just wanted Him, (and you all) to know how incredibly thankful I am. I know I don’t have to write it here for Him to know, but it feels like something I should shout from the rooftops all day long… I’m not really one for shouting, so, I’ll do it in my own quiet way…
Stories
Two lovely ladies and I took a road trip last week to see yet another lovely lady. Along the way, we had a 14ish hour drive and we listened to six out of the seven Chronicles of Narnia books. Listening to them I was struck by the amazing lessons in them. I mean, of course, they’re brilliant. C.S. Lewis was an amazing writer and man- and yes, being raised as a Christian, you learn the parallels of ‘The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe’ & the salvation story almost from infancy- but we found ourselves pausing the cds and discussing what had just been said, quotes or little amazing bits of wisdom… three adult women listening to, and being amazed by, ‘children’ stories. I love children’s literature.
The line that stood out the most was spoken several times in ‘The Horse and His Boy’ (which is one of my favorite of the stories- I tend to like the lesser known ones) Shasta is questioning Aslan on as to why he clawed Aravis:
“Child,”said the Voice, “I am telling you your story, not hers. I tell no-one any story but his own.”
He then later repeats a very similar line when Aravis questions him about what happened to the servant girl she drugged and left to be punished.
And…I just had this moment of revelation.
How often do I question God about the lives of others? As a curious human being, I desire to know a story that truly is none of my business. I am not to know why God allows some people to have things that I don’t- I am not permitted to know why a person did or didn’t act a certain way towards me…. I am only to know the story He has for ME. The rest is between that person and God. It is not for my ears. Not for my eyes. Just as my story is for only me. When I find myself drifting into the land of ‘if only’… this applies. That story is over and done with. It did not occur- therefore it is not for me to know.
As in Deuteronomy:
The Lord our God has secrets known to no one. We are not accountable for them, but we and our children are accountable forever for all that he has revealed to us, so that we may obey all the terms of these instructions.
Let me collect my thoughts….part II
Maybe if I had collected my thoughts for a longer period of time I would have compiled them better…(this is where I’d insert a winky-face of some sort if I was prone to using emoticons, which I’m not)
Regardless- thank you all so much for the dialogue both on the blog and on facebook. I appreciate everything, especially the words from my married friends. This is what I enjoy about blogging- the interaction, when it happens, as it is both encouraging and often enlightening.
Funny how that one little blurb/tangent was the thing that stuck out most- it definitely wasn’t supposed to be my main point or ‘thesis’, but I don’t mind.
My friend Sofia summed it up rather nicely when she asked me for clarification:
“Could it be that what you are expressing is that as a fallen creature we have taken this desire and perverted it? That we have turned it into being all about self-gratification and not about being a living reflection of God? And that our now often fallen perceptions often fuel those self-focused prayers for a spouse?”
Yes! Thank you- when my words failed me, she was there to put it how I meant for it to read. My main point being (in that little blurb) that how when I am praying about the future/marriage and whatever else that entails, my root desires are often (not always, but often) selfish. Searching for human validation, or the thought deep down that somehow getting married will solve all my problems- ridiculous and selfish. NOT that the act of marriage is somehow wrong/selfish- I myself desire to get married someday and believe that if it happens- it will be a God-given gift.
That part of my post was fueled by something Jason spoke at the gathering Saturday night. I perceived him to have said (he might very well have meant differently) that praying for a spouse because you were ‘lonely’ was wrong- and I felt (key word here, felt- like I said, this is what I was gathering) that he was saying NOT to pray it because of that- which I did not agree with.
Me and my friends were discussing how maybe that it is technically ’selfish’- but its a feeling that remains regardless and God knows my heart- and my NOT asking/praying about it isn’t the correct response. I can only hope and pray that God will turn this weak desire into something pleasing to Him.
A dear family friend sent me this quote which I think speaks volumes on the subject I was trying to address:
“We often bear the cross in weakness, at other times in strength; all should be alike to us in the will of God.” - Madame Guyon
My brother also advised wisely (as he often does) when he offered:
“One of the key lessons in all of this is love. Love for another individual. Love for God. Love that is selfless… So instead of praying for a spouse, maybe the lesson is that God would teach you to learn to love selflessly in preparation to live a selfless life of love towards another person…”
I honestly hadn’t meant for this post to turn into a direct post about marriage and singleness- but I’m sort of glad it went that way- I am always eager to receive the advise of those around me, I am always humbled by the wisdom God provides through friends and family. Thank you all- this actually is quite timely with some different thoughts I’ve been praying about and dealing with. Please keep the dialogue running if you see fit!
Let me collect my thoughts…
“…Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure…” -James 4:2-3
Apex is going through the book of James this summer… its a book of the Bible where I feel like I should just highlight/underline every verse written…but this verse in particular stuck out to me during the gathering last night. And the words Jason spoke to accompany it… just the thought that most of time? What I pray? Entirely selfish. Me. Me. Me, and…me some more. God I want this, God I need that, God help ME…me, me, me, I, I, I…
It says right there, that I do not have because I ask with wrong intentions. And I admit that. But as a human being, I don’t think I’ll ever achieve having entirely pure intentions. I don’t know if I believe that that is possible. Is it possible to pray for someone to share life with without having ANY selfish undercurrent? Can I really pray for a new job without allowing a few self-seeking desires in?
I believe that I can try to have pure intentions. And I can pray that God will grant me pure intentions, but, I’m not sure I’ll ever reach a point of praying only unselfish prayers. And I think God knows that. I mean, if my desires were completely pure 100% of the time, I would have everything I wanted, and all of that would be in line with the will of God, no? And I don’t believe that’s attainable here on earth.
I believe the desire to be that way is attainable, I believe that I should strive for that goal, but God knows my heart. And I know I am a selfish being. I’m not going to stop praying for things I desire- I do pray that God would change my heart though, if its not what He desires. I pray on a daily basis that He would keep my heart and my thoughts pure.
I brought this up to a couple girlfriends after the gathering… “Is it even possible to pray for a spouse, or legitimately GET married, without ANY selfish intentions?” Now, I’m not married, so I can’t answer this as so, but we came to the decision that it seemed pretty impossible. Being lonely, or wanting someone to share life with is a selfish and broken desire. Unless you just see yourself as a HUGE blessing and an amazing and wonderful bonus to the person you are marrying…. and you are marrying them to benefit them….um…yeah, not really.
But again, we came to the conclusion that we feel these things. And, yes, technically, they are wrong. They are selfish. But we are a fallen people and we will always desire what we don’t have, be that what it may- God knows this. God doesn’t withhold happiness and blessings because of our ill intentions- thank goodness. But when I sit here and pray frustrated prayers out of selfishness, its a blunt reminder to hear: “Hey, maybe if you desired ME above all else, and fixed your eyes on my will, not only would these ‘wants’ seem small and insignificant, but I will fulfill those longings and desires in the way that I see fit.”
Elisabeth Elliot says in her book ‘Quest for Love: True Stories of Passion and Purity”:
“…He always answers the cry of the man or the woman who wills (against all wanting) to do His will…”
All my longings lie open before you, O Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.
My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
even as the light has gone from my eyes…
I wait for you, O Lord;
you will answer me, O Lord my God.
-Psalm 38:9-10, 15
**added later**
I guess I should clarify (after a few comments I got on FB) I didn’t mean the desire to get married is evil/wrong, I do not believe that at all- just that the stem of it comes from being a broken human being with selfish desires. If I were a perfect human being, I would desire God and He would be enough- yet God knew that it would not be so- He said it was not good for man to be alone- so, even though I’m an imperfect human being- He provides.
That conversation with my friends was more stemmed from what Jason had directly addressed in the message @ apex- how praying for a spouse because you are ‘lonely’ is a selfish prayer…. and I was sort of refuting that its one of those “okay” selfish prayers- because lets be honest, most of us are going to pray that at one point or another…..
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
Psalm 61:2
Today has been rough mentally/emotionally. That time to reflect and pray I was talking about the other day? I need to make some time for that tomorrow.(and everyday, but tomorrow specifically) Pray that I am wise and do that.
Quiet.
There’s nothing quite as still and quiet as the morning after a night full of friends, conversation and laughter. Its not always a negative thing- but I think a lot of times I cram my life full of activity and action in an attempt to shut out some of the quieter moments.
Quiet moments can be downright scary.They’re there staring you right in the face.
Hello thoughts. Hello God. Hello-facing-reality.
If I keep my life busy- my schedule fully packed- I don’t have time to think and over analyze things. But I also don’t have time to reflect, time to pray, time to just ‘be still’.
And then life sort of falls apart. Maybe not if you’re outside looking in, because as a human being, I have almost perfected the defense and front of looking fine on the outside- but, please, don’t be fooled. My life is not perfect- I do not have it all together. A lot of days, I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water.
And in my idiocy- I allow myself to keep up this way till something comes along and pierces me directly in the heart- then I truly fall apart, and, as always, find myself finally running back to God. Back to His comforting solitude. Back to His grace and forgiveness.
I know I have to face the hard parts to enjoy the good. You can’t have the sweet without the bitter. The happy times wouldn’t be quite so joyous if I hadn’t suffered through the hard times. I can’t choose one but not the other. I’m even gifted happiness during times where I don’t particularly desire it.
So, I’ll try not to be afraid.
Hello quiet home. Still morning. Downcast heart.
Let me greet the day with joy.
You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!
Psalm 30:11-12
The Wee Hours of the Morning
Why do we[I] pick the ONE thing in our[my] life that isn’t going as we[I] would wish and dwell on it….?
That thought that has been bubbling in my mind all week. I could go on and on about how blessed I am, with so many things. God is growing and gifting me with so much- but yet, there is always a constant nagging that the ‘one thing’ (it varies depending on where I am in life) I want- and if I’m being honest- I think I DESERVE- has not been given to me.
And it brings everything else down.
Down.
Down.
Never fully happy. Never fully content. I could be surrounded by those I love, interacting, laughing and full of life- participating in something I adore- and I am, in the back of my mind asking God why He is withholding from me.
Seriously Emily? Seriously!?
(yes- I’ve taken this post hostage to reprimand myself)
Its funny how life can be so very full- so very vibrant and alive…. and I am able to harbor discouragement and hopelessness. Those things just don’t mix.
It all just makes me so very aware of the fact that I am broken and in need of a Savior…even when life is at its best- it is still lacking. I am always lacking- not of material or true physical need- but in my heart and mind.
How very tiresome it would be to be God. Its beyond hard to comprehend that He could continue to love and care for me-even pursue me- when I persist in being ungrateful, inattentive and persist in asking for the same thing, over, and over and over again. Any human being would be done with me. I would be done with me.
“Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4)
I tend to focus on the ‘He will give you the desires of your heart” part more than the important first part- “delight yourself in the Lord”… I, as always, need to change my perspective and objective.
Thru the Years…
Photos from top to bottom, left to right: 1. My sister and me acting like we’re super cool on the sidewalk of the drugstore, maybe 7 or 8 years ago? 2. A group of us on our way to see a band play at the State theater in downtown Springfield 3. Me right after I chopped off all my own hair in… 2003? 2004? 4. My sisters and I on our way to Greenville, Illinois to visit our friend Dustin at his college 5. Me and my beautiful friend Danielle at a TLW dinner our youth group hosted 6. Playing in puddles and taking photos with my sister- right after we got our first point and shoot cameras 7. We took photos at my brothers house for a Father’s Day gift for my dad one year 8. Me and my friend Amber at a Lovedrug show at MadHatter (good show, front row!) 9. Me and the sisters on the beach in Florida when we drove down to hang with Dustin and his family
Its strange to go back thru the years… looking at photos, reading old journals- remembering past memories… I can remember the moments that went with all these photos… just like a song can trigger a memory, or how when I read a paragraph in an old journal, riddled with angst and heartbreak, or giddy teenager-ness, I’m instantly transported back.
I’ve changed so much over the years… and, then again, not so much. My sisters still claim the best friend roles in my life…. I’m still generally quiet… I still wear huge sunglasses (they’re actually getting BIGGER if you can believe it) but so much has changed. I’ve seen God’s hand in my life so much over the past year. Its been amazing.
1. The day I played with the Apex band for the first time at Cedarville U(I remember the days and times that go with these outfit posts… its sort of weird) 2. My 21st birthday- spent at the Cheesecake factory with a great bunch of girls 3. An outfit worn to school at SCC 4. Attempting to be cool in a self portrait- check out the black hair and solemn look- BAND PHOTO!! 5. An outfit shot taken during my 1 and only photography class. That’s a legit 35mm around my neck. How I loved that class 6. I chopped my bangs off good. 7. Self portrait after shooting my first EVER wedding!! (Joel & Kari’s!) 8. Bringing home my FIT- the pretty little Darcy who has accompanied me on so many journeys thus far 9. Spending New years of 2008/2009 alone at my parents with my sister
Its just sort of weird, and sort of comforting to look back and see all that I’ve trekked through. To see myself transform from a self-professed ‘hermit’ to the crazy life I have currently… to see the friends that have come and gone, and more importantly, the ones who have stayed and grown with me. The journeys I’ve taken, international missions to cross country road trips, from a church where I spent my teenage years, to the family I have now at Apex…
1. Playing around with external flash on my camera 2. Road trip with my sister 3. Getting ready to shoot a wedding at my first apartment 4. Portraits my beautiful friend Kim shot of me 5. Old school- in Guatemala 6. Summer camp forever ago 7. Red hair this past year 8. A happy weekend this year 9. A self portrait in my current apartment
From the shy and completely awkward teenager I was- always second guessing myself and feeling like the odd-one-out, to a woman who is learning to be open and trusting and confident in who God has made her to be… life is kind of crazy… and while there are many things I would say I wish I could change about myself, who I am, where I am… I’m learning to be content with where God has me…. right here, right now.
Innocence
Job 11-
“If only you would prepare your heart
and lift up your hands to him in prayer!
Get rid of your sins,
and leave all iniquity behind you.
Then your face will brighten with innocence.
You will be strong and free of fear.
You will forget your misery;
it will be like water flowing away.
Your life will be brighter than the noonday.
Even darkness will be as bright as morning.
Having hope will give you courage.
You will be protected and will rest in safety.
You will lie down unafraid,
and many will look to you for help.
The Heart
More than anything… God is teaching me what it means to be content in Him. I am the eternally awful student, lacking in self-discipline and failing miserably on a daily basis- but He’s working on my heart.
Its a hard lesson to learn, one that I know will never be fully achieved until I draw my last breath and am with Him for eternity… but to even have a glimpse of contement here on earth, in my life…
Not because I have ’stuff’, not because I have ‘achieved the dream’, but to know and cherish Christ dearly and to have that outpoor on everyone I am in contact with…. and to be happy. To be full of joy, to hold strong in the hard times, and be grateful in the good.
*added later*
I was getting ready for bed last night, after I had posted this, and Psalm 23 popped into my head. Its one of those memory verses my parents drilled into my head from a very young age- a WHOLE chapter… it became just sort of mundane and like a meaningless recitation for so long, but when it popped into my head, and I took the time to read over it in the NLT translation… wow. THIS is why my parents wanted me to learn it. To memorize it. To be able to quote it in my sleep.
The Lord is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.
2 He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
3 He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.
4 Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.
5 You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.
6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord
forever.
I’m pretty sure I’m…a dork.
I parked my car along the road to my apartments and jumped out with my camera to crouch in the wet grass and snap these photos on my way home from work today. I’m sure everyone who drove by in that moment thought I was a crazy moron…. but I don’t really care… the rain droplets, the gray clouds, the brilliance of the purple clover and the green grass… this is the sort of thing that gets me in the heart. These moments- on a day when I just want to see the sun, to see a break in the clouds, when I’m exhausted and worn out… to be reminded that there is still beauty, that small graces exist…
“Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays…”
or, “Emily and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day”
Seriously folks. Truly bad days for me are few. (thank the LORD) I get cranky & I get grumpy… usually it passes. But today was a BAD day. I was irritable. I was cranky. Work was chaotic- and crawled by at a snail’s pace. Nine and a half hours of ridiculousness. And the HAM Radio guys? I couldn’t deal with them tonight. I was genuinely rude… which is awful of me.
I decided I hated my job. I grumped to my parents. I almost cried when they told me to be thankful I had a job and to not be discontent when so many are unemployed. (I almost cried becuase I know its true….)
I depressed myself by dwelling on the fact that if I left my current job… what would I do? I have a degree in Interior Design, but no experience. There’s a job opening at Ikea but its an Interior/design MANAGEMENT opening, and I have zero professional experience. I’ve worked at a library for 9 years. I don’t know how to do anything else.
Deep funk. Deep self pity. Grumpface. Plus I was out of drinking water so I had to stop by the grocery. (being dehydrated sounded like fodder for an already horrid outlook on life) As I was walking up to the doors, two young(ish) guys started to approach me. Great. Yesterday me and my sister were approached by some random guy at Wendy’s who wanted us to be his friend or something… and… lets face it, I wasn’t exactly feeling gracious this lovely Monday night.
Turns out, they were going to witness to me. I cracked a smile and they turned to eachother- “She doesn’t want to hear it” Which only caused me to sort of chuckle… I then informed them that I was a believer and watched their faces go from skeptical to a sort of disbelief- I apparently looked like a heathen at the moment (I’m sure I did. I had on my defensive/mean face I get around guys who pester me) I think I made their day. We talked for a few minutes- I shared a super brief version of my testimony with them- and then they invited me to their youth group….I thanked them, but had to inform them that I was a bit old for youth group.. I then walked off sheepishly contemplating the way God persistently works in my life…gently nudging, correcting and encouraging.
This only makes me long even more to possess a joy that is not my own. I long to have something in me that shines through and people take notice. I don’t want to be an annoyed bitter girl who’s so wrapped up in her own issues that she fails to emit the love that she’s been freely given.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. -Psalm 51:12
More Words…
On a mission & looking for some of my old ‘poetry’, I flipped thru the pages of some of my old notebooks and journals tonight. Most of the pages I scanned quickly, almost chuckling at the urgency and emotion of the words I had written. At the time, I felt so mature, so justified writing of wrongs and teenage angst. Some pages though, I avoided. Amazed that though some things happened years ago, seeing them recorded in color, on paper, they still cause a dull ache to pulse in my heart.
I found words. Verses I had deemed poetic. Maybe they are/were… but most made another sort of ache swell in my heart. A pain that made me want to reach out to the girl of the past and tell her that the places that she was searching and looking were not ever going to make her feel anything other than confused and alone. So much bitterness and a surprising bleakness. This was a girl who had an amazing and loving family. I professed Christ as my Savior, I served and worked in youth ministry… but I had no idea what I was doing, or where I was going, or who God really was. [IS]
But in the midst of pages that made me sad, made me feel like I didn’t even know who this girl was… I stumbled upon pages from my second trip to Guatemala in 2004…
I had recorded about a day when we had visited an all girls orphanage, and the girls there. How even though we didn’t speak the same language, how we connected… and how when we finally left, they “…hugged me like a billion times…” and on the next page… I had penned a sort of love note…
July 25, 2004
What I cry out for
Deep in the greatest void
is fullness
Fill my emptiness
my void
My Love, My LORD
My Peace, what I search for
In brokenness, in weakness
Though I oppose and crumble
Though I fight and cry
I cry out for YOU
For your will
No longer mine, no longer theirs
A beauty not of this world
Worship rising, prayers cascading
Take my brokenness
From my heart and break it
Surrender
Full. Filled. Loved. Open. Yours….
…and what can I really say after that? I was once was lost… but now I’m found- amazing grace indeed.
All Things New.
Sometimes, I have so many words and thoughts in my head, that its best to stay away from them… so instead, enjoy some wonderful glimpses of God’s creation… (I feel so very grateful for Spring this year… was it an especially hard winter? Or is it an especially beautiful Spring? Maybe my attitude and heart are just in a better place…)
(all photos snapped with my Canon Powershot… its such a good little camera)
Just words…
We started the early evening off laying in the grass on a blanket in the sun. Our feet in the air, and our hair blowing in the breeze. We talked about life and the fear of putting yourself out there over and over emotionally and always being left empty handed[hearted]. We then spent time laughing and marveling at social networking and the insight it pretends to present us. (we also watched silly videos and checked Twitter for updates- we’re not completely mature or serious)
On our way out, we talked about what we find physically attractive in the opposite sex. We had fairly different ideas of what is attractive- which is good. How awkward is it to have a good friend and then find out that you’re both attracted to the same guy?
We sat in a bookstore and flipped through magazines, happily looking at the glossy photos, occasionally pointing something out, or oohing over a pretty photo. Dinner was in order next, and over dinner, we discussed guys, and hearts, and God. The fact that what you cherish is what you make time for was a topic that we were both pondering. The realization that we always make time to check e-mail, or whatever social networking site we’re into, or watch a movie ect- and think nothing of it, even if its late, or early, or a rushed moment. Regardless of if we’re waiting for a specific/special person to contact us, or just doing it out of habit… how easy do we make it to find just a few extra minutes on a daily basis? I know I personally struggle with finding time on a daily basis to sit and meditate on God’s word. How I can always find an excuse. I’m too tired, I need to get to bed. I don’t have time (wouldn’t want to rush my time with God!). Whatever. If its something that I truly, truly, hold dear and cherish, I will do it.
Spending time in the word on a daily basis is a discipline- that word normally has such a negative context to me. As a child, it meant spankings and extra chores. As a teen it meant groundings and having to learn to do something I didn’t desire or care about.(hello algebra) But now? I’m all grown up. My parents aren’t looming over me telling me what I can and can’t do, who I can see, or how late I can be out. They also don’t get on me about doing the dishes, or cleaning the bathroom.
As an adult, I have trained myself to do these things. I have a bedtime, I clean on a(fairly) regular basis, and I do the dishes whenever I get a chance. I’ve also ‘disciplined’ myself to do other things. As a musician, if I want to learn a specific piece of music, I sit down and play till I get it- it usually takes more than one try. As a photographer, I have taught myself through trial and error, practicing techniques and shooting thousands upon thousands of photos… just like a runner trains for a marathon. A writer researches and writes multiple drafts…. there may be an off day in there, a day where you feel like quitting, but you don’t. I don’t. If its something we desire, we get right back up the next day and keep at it….
Why don’t I treat spending time with God the same way? Instead I feel like a failure. I feel bad for having times where I’m in the word and growing, but the next moment, just utterly flailing and forgetting. The highs and lows make me feel like throwing in the towel and admitting defeat. I feel like a ‘bad Christian’- a fake.
But if it is truly in my heart, I will change my attitude. Disciplining myself to meditate on His word is not negative, and its not an obligation. I should get up each day with the awarness that God’s mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:21-23) and His gift to me is a saving grace… and I am living and working towards an eternal promise…
The wind in all its glory…
The sunshine in all its golden warmth…
The flowers formed in delicate beauty, & the majestic clouds skirting high above…
Nothing compares to the glorious wonder of a God who sent His son,
To save a wretch like me;
An imperfect, flawed and tragic being.
The grace and mercy of the cross can never compare to anything else on earth.
He makes beautiful things out a vast expanse of nothingness. Writers block never plagued Him, He never had a lack of inspiration… He is truly the Great and Magnificent Creator.
Day in the Life…
It feels like Spring…
…and I’m neglecting my adult responsibilities to play in the sun and take naps… (well, today at least.)
There’s a Night of Worship at Apex tomorrow evening, starts at 6pm, last year’s was amazing and encouraging… and just a total blast, so if you can make it, you should come out.
A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of writing a blog post/visiting a house church in the Cincinnati area to serve with/photograph them ministering at a mission downtown, and the post is up on the Apex blog currently. It was inspiring to see a house church that has chosen to dedicate both time and money on a regular basis to help those in need… and it was an honor to join them and be a part of what they do for an evening.
And that’s all I have for now. I’m debating in taking my camera tomorrow night, I’m sure I will, so there will probably be some band photos up in the next few weeks.
Hello 2010.
2009 was a good year. God blessed me in so many ways. Ways I never deserved.
But I’m not going to lie, it was a hard year, especially towards the end; and it seems as though a few things are carrying over into 2010…
I know, in the end, that God uses hard times to grow me. I just wish this part could be over so I could nod my head and sagely say, “Yes. This is what I learned.” I’ve been waiting for things to go back to ‘normal’- then I realized… part of my problem is that my old definition of ‘normal’ doesn’t exist anymore. Way to blow my mind there God. Simple as always, but extremely true.
I don’t have any “best of the year” (or decade) album/band lists. No favorite songs to jot down. Maybe I’ll do a favorite photos from 2009 eventually….
But I did write two things down in my journal the other night, the first being that this year, I want my hope to reside in Christ alone.
The second, that I would have a pure heart and mind in the sight of God- that my intentions in all things would be true and right, in all my relationships, in my interactions with those I work with and that especially the things I pray for would come from a pure heart and a desire that lines up with God’s plan for my life.
Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Renew a loyal spirit within me.
Psalm 51:1, 10
Inspiration Friday Vol. V
This week I have been constantly been inspired by words. So often my own fail me, so often, even if I have the right words to say, the way in which they flow from brain to mouth is stunted… I’ve never completely grown out of being the shy girl….
Yesterday I read a couple articles on Relevant Magazine’s site… two in particular stuck out to me… The Sneaky Trick of Envy, and The High Cost of Friendship.
She [the author] describes something that I believe most females struggle with, envy….
I know I do. I hate myself for it, I despise the feelings it causes, the constant feeling that I’m in some sort competition with everyone around me, the feeling that the way God created me is somehow inadequate…
“…So you can imagine how troubling it was for me to discover that the vice I most detest and fear in myself, and the sin that most inspired the murder of Jesus, I was striving to create in my sisters as I got ready for that concert. But what I wanted was to finally be on the other side of the awful exchange I was so used to. I wanted other women to look at me, wondering why they didn’t think to wear the shirt I had on or why their hair couldn’t be the same sparkly shade of blonde. Because then I could shove it in Envy’s face. I could show it I knew how to control it…”
Ugh. This article was convicting. So convicting…
Then I read the article The High Cost of Friendship… while not necessarily convicting, thought provoking to be sure….touching on the effects of “social networking” and real, genuine friendships…
“…Everything in life costs us something—in time, money, energy, love or emotion. Friends, real know-you-down-to-your-soul friends, come at a high cost. They guarantee a lifetime of broken hearts as we say goodbye, farewell and amen, again and again over the course of our lives…”
I’ve definitely been trying to invest in these real, tangible, close friendships this year… not to say I don’t fall prey to the whole “online persona” deal… I mean, I have a blog, a facebook and a twitter account… but I’ve truly been making an effort to grow true friendships with those around me… and even branch out to people who aren’t in my regular circles. (big steps for an ex-shy-girl)
I meet with a couple girls (ladies/women) once a week for an “LTG/Life Transition Group”, basically an accountability time outside of the house church I attend and while talking this week, one of them said something simple, yet profound…
“I find myself praying for things, and then waiting… waiting for them to happen… when I should be waiting, WAITING on God. Not on the circumstance.” I don’t know if that makes sense the way I wrote it… she probably said it better.. but however she said it, it hit me hard. How often do I find myself “waiting on the circumstance” instead of just waiting on God, or waiting WITH God?
Sorry, no colorful photos this week, I guess this was more of a personal blog….
Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning
(photo credit Mr.GreenJeans on flickr.)
(photo cred: weheartit.com)
Driving to work today I was reminded of the last the last leg of my road trip this summer from California. We had left our friends place around 5am, and I took the first driving shift. One of the things I loved on this trip were those early morning drives. There’s something about being on the road, most everyone asleep in the car, few vehicles on the road… and the first glimpses of sun peeking over the horizon. That morning, heading east and finally out of mountain territory, there was a low fog, and open fields for miles. The sun came up, a blazing neon pink, and the misty fields turned violet, blue and orange and green… I just remember thinking how amazing it was. I felt like the only person alive, and that God had sent that sunrise just for me… such an amazing feeling. At first I felt compelled to stop and take a photo, but then, there are some moments, some moments that I know I don’t need a photo of. Moments I want to just keep in my head and my heart. Moments that don’t need to be documented and put online with a label that will never do them justice.
Psalm 143:8:
Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,
for I am trusting you.
Show me where to walk,
for I give myself to you.
Life
Part of a verse from Isaiah 30 has been in my head the past two days…
…Only in returning to me
and resting in me will you be saved.
In quietness and confidence is your strength…
I like that last line.
“Please, Please, Please, let me, let me, let me…get what I want, this time…”
I am about to go see (500) Days of Summer for the second time. By myself. And that’s okay with me.
I used to do a lot of things by myself (when I was in school), but ever since I got my own place (it’s been almost a year now since I’ve been out on my own!! Seems so short, and so long at the same time.) I tend to just stay home and be a homebody if I don’t have someone to hang out with. But tonight I am out, by myself, and I am okay with it.
I am also super okay with all the good talks I’ve had with people this past week. E-mails, coffee dates, a sincere talk in the hallway at Apex. I appreciate the honesty that these people present to me, the sincerety they offer, and most of all, the care for me I see in their eyes. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this, but I hope I never do anything to lose it.
I think I may love the book of Ecclesiastes. Strange? I started reading it the other night, because one of (if not my favorite) verse ever is located there (Ecc. 3:11) ….. and I read three straight chapters…
I’m sorry I haven’t posted any photos recently, for those of you who follow this blog. I’ve recently gotten back from a cross-country trek, moved, work over-time @ work (because we were moving there as well) and been doing various other life things… but I DO have photos coming… I’m working with a music artists currently for some album artwork/photos, plus I have some conceptual stuff of my own I need to shoot/edit….
Now I’m off to the movies…..leaving you with this gorgeous photo of the ms. Deschanel….
A Miracle is What it Was
I came home from work yesterday, energized and ready to edit wedding photos. (I had gotten off a whole hour early since I had worked 9 hours the day before.) I sit down to edit the wedding photos. I’m doing my sorting thing, flagging photos I’m going to edit, and I notice something.
Something NOT GOOD. I have the pre-wedding shots. I have the ceremony shots. I have the bride and groom portraits. I have the reception. What I DON’T have, are the family shots. Or the bridal party shots (due to time constraints, we didn’t take ANY photos other than prep ones before the ceremony.)
“This must be a mistake” I think to myself, while frantically plugging in my external hard drive. (After I shoot a wedding, I download the CF cards to my computer, copy them to my external, and then burn DVDs of them. So I have three sources of my current wedding. All backed up. I’m a back-up freak, I don’t even think that’s enough.)
My external hardrive only has what is on my computer. At this time, I start to freak.
“What’s going on!? Who do I think I am? I am NOT a proffessional! Why do people pay me to do this!?!? What AM I GOING TO DO?!?!?” all this as I pop the discs into my computer and frantically search for folders and files that are NOT there.
See…I had yet another wedding this past weekend. And see, I re-formatted all my CF cards. And then proceeded to shoot photos on them, as I had already backed up all previous files.
The photos weren’t going go to be on the cards. They weren’t on my computer. They weren’t on my hard drive. Or on the DVDs. They, to put it simply, weren’t.
At this point, I am composing disraught and apologetic words to the bride in my head. Promising a life-time of Photography slavery from me, a refund, whatever it takes to repay what I have managed to do. (or NOT do, take your pick)
I am praying. Not even able to form full sentences. “God, please, I know…..they’re not there….I know….you won’t magically make the files “poof!” appear on my computer…but, maybe? Please?…Something, HELP?!?!?”
In one last effort to do something, try something….I asked Google:
“Re-formatted CF cards, is there any way to get deleted photos back?” ( I know I am not the only person out there who has done this as it’s a search that pops up as I am typing.)
I find a forum. Said forum directs me to software that has the ability to scan media, and recover data. Here’s the deal though….it can only retrieve said data if the card has not been completely re-written.
I have one CF card that is not completely re-written. I have one card to try. And it is the one I usually shoot with first, because it writes the files quicker. I must admit, I am not very hopeful. I am not very trusting. I am extremely skeptical. I let the software scan this ONE CF card all day today while I am at work.
I come home….and….
It’s the bridal party photos.
Its the family photos.
Its EXACLTY what I needed.
Out of the all the memory cards I had, the cards I filled, this ONE card, the one I usually fill first, was only partially used, and it was the ONE I needed.
My God? He is AWESOME. I think I started to cry. Because….this was a big deal. I didn’t tell anyone what was happening the night before. If I said it outloud, it would make it real. And it couldn’t be.
I was ready to quit as a photographer. I was ready to curl up into a ball.
But God is faithful. God is giving. Miracles do exist. And I got one today.
I know, this is all completely unproffessional of me to share…I should just roll with it, I don’t want people to think I don’t treat what I do with extreme care…I do. But we all make mistakes….and they don’t always turn out happily.
This situation was too impossible, too miraculous NOT to share.